I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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