my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
