he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
