Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
