Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
