I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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