3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
