ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
