i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
