You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
