i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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