You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
