You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
