dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
