glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
