Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
he shaved USA in his pubs
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
