dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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