my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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