heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
