My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
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