Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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