My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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