This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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