I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
