She went from zero to smokin in five shots
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
