And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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