boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
