You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
