It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
