Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
