I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
