for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
