I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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