im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
