seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
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