just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
