I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
