What a fucking waste of an outfit
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
