I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
