if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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