She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
