I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
