is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
