Your face is a jimmy john
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
