You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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