Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
