Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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