guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
