I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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