know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
