you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
